Birthday Poems to Irritate Men!

Over the years I seem to have amused and delighted many friends and colleagues by composing funny poems and writing them in their birthday cards. I have now decided to publish my anthology of wit, humour and downright rudeness for the world to enjoy!

These rhymes have proven to be particularly popular with women – demonstrating how cruel and heartless the ‘gentler' sex can be to the men in their lives. They can be copied into birthday cards, Father's Day cards, Christmas cards, or simply cut and pasted onto an email … in fact they can be used anytime someone you know needs cheering up – or bringing down a peg or two!

Many of the poems rely heavily on the shortcomings of we poor men; ie, drunkenness, uncontrolled flatulence, lecherousness, good old fashioned plain laziness, inability to master DIY, thinning hair, suspiciously thickening midriff etc, etc. Characteristics which I'm sure apply to some extent to all husbands, boyfriends and sons.

You will see that each poem contains a man's first name, but not as part of the rhyme. In other words, you can easily ‘personalise' the rhyme by replacing the name with the name of the person you would like to send it to. (This works best if the names have the same number of syllables. For example, 'Bob' can be changed to John, Dave, Mick, Paul etc; 'Andy' can be changed to Simon, Roger, Alan etc).

For whatever reason you decide to send one, the poor unsuspecting fellow will receive a very amusing rhyme poking fun at some of his - shall we say - less romantic characteristics. A possible side effect is that he may also be impressed at your wit, humour and resourcefulness - but please don't expect him to admit to that. Here they are;

*

Ian doesn't much like it,
When you tell him he's losing his hair;
And he gets just a little bit grumpy,
When you point out his tyre is spare.

So be sensitive now it's his birthday,
And remember, the man's not bionic;
Sit him down in his chair, don't mention the hair
And pour him a large Gin and Tonic.

*

John likes booze and John likes women, He doesn't like running and he doesn't like swimming; He likes sitting down and he likes eating grub, He doesn't like work but he does like the pub.

Being John's Missus is a pain in the neck, When he dresses up smart, he still looks a wreck! He thinks posh restaurants and theatres are above him, But I suppose all these things are just reasons I love him!

*

There once was a young man called Laurence,
Who when urinating did so in torrents,
When asked, "Was it Venice
That inspired this menace?"

He replied, "No, I learnt it in Florence".

*

Matthew wants presents for his birthday, Matthew wants jewellery and cars, Matthew wants to go out to restaurants, And meet gorgeous women in bars.

Well I've got a present for Matthew, For this playboy who thinks he's so cool, It's what he got me for my birthday, Coincidentally that's B*GGER ALL!

*

Nigel is a gentleman, It isn't just a pose;
His shoes are always polished, And he never picks his nose.

He opens doors for ladies, And offers them his seat;
His nails are never dirty, And his hair is always neat.

But when it's Nigel's birthday, He loses all his class;
He has an awful lot to drink, And ends up on his a*se!

*

Peter when I look at you, I remember when you were twenty-two,
Your hair was thick, your wrinkles few, And you didn't spend so long in the loo!

*

Robert, on your birthday, I want you to relax;
Sit down and put your feet up, And I'll bring you drinks and snacks.

I'll do all the household chores, And put your clothes away;
In fact it won't be much different, To every other day!

*

Vince, Vince, what can the matter be, You're turning into Les Battersby,
It's your birthday on Saturday, So for crying out loud mate CHEER UP!

*

Alan you know I love you, You're really very sweet;
In fact I'd call you perfect If it wasn't for your feet!

*

Brian has a problem, He's older than before,
And now that it's his birthday, He feels a little sore.
But Brian shouldn't worry, Or mooch around the house,
Because what he lacks in youthfulness, He makes up for with nouse!

*

Charlie likes to have a drink, And he's often in a hurry;
But keep your distance in the morning, If he's been out for a curry!

*

David, Happy Birthday Love, I've kept you dressed and fed;
Now I ask just one thing of you – Please stop farting in bed!

*

Frank, your birthday's here again, So it's a good time just to sit
And wonder why for the rest of the year, You're such a miserable git!!

*

Eddie, now you're getting old, And your hair is going grey;
I have some words to say to you, On this your special day.

You're generous, wise, good-looking, kind, And all your jokes are funny;
But the greatest thing about you Dear, Is all your lovely money!

*

Gary always gets drunk on his birthday, Once he's started, he just cannot stop; So he usually gets slung out the boozer, And comes home with sick down his top!

*

Harry's the perfect husband, For 364 days of the year,
But he does go astray on his birthday, By trying to drown in beer!

*

Tony's very good at doing jobs around the house,
When it comes to DIY you couldn't find a better spouse;
So I thought that for his birthday I would get him something good,
To help him with the patio or bevelling of wood.

Should it be a power drill, or something else by Bosch?
A Black and Decker sander or a Karcher power wash?
But in the end I thought, you shouldn't fix what isn't broken,
So I did the same as last year – bought a ten pound record token!

*

There once was a fella called Kevin,
For whom being in a pub was just heaven,
When offered a drink,
He didn't have to think,
He would say, "Not just one, I'll have seven"!

*

Today is Dennis's birthday, And he'll probably go out to play,
I remember last year he knocked back so much beer, He ended up on Crimewatch UK!

*

Simon likes to go out with his mates, Simon likes to take girls out on dates,
He likes fish and chips and he likes Man United, And Keira Knightley gets him really excited.

He'll go out on his birthday and paint the town red,
He'll drink the bar dry then take cod and chips to bed,
He'll lie there wishing that Manchester was nearer,
Then he'll drop off to sleep and dream about Keira.

*

Andy don't want no presents for his birthday, Andy don't want special grub; Andy don't want no cards and kisses, He just wants to go to the pub!

*

Barry is a nuisance on his birthday to be honest, All the usual types of gifts he doesn't like at all; If you haven't spent a fortune he'll thinks your present's modest, So this year I've decided that he's getting B*GGER ALL!

*

Elliot quite likes to party On his birthday, with friends far and wide;
But curiously the next morning, He just wants to curl up and hide!

*

Happy birthday Timothy, Go out and have some fun;
Keep up your reputation as A Lazy Drunken Bum!

*

There once was a young man called Chris,
Who was permanently out on the p*ss,
When his birthday came round,
He just stayed in his lounge,
And drank cocoa all night – oh what bliss!

***

Ladies; cherry-pick an appropriate rhyme from this collection, change the name to that of the man of your choice, then send it to him in a Birthday card or email. Some are sweet but some are downright insulting, so choose carefully!

Mark Mitchell. Author, ex-poet and Villa Rental website owner. http://www.villasunderthesun.com

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