Consistency - The Magic Word For Parenting

If there is one word that is consistently heard about parenting, it is the need for consistency: consistency in what you say and do, and consistency between parents.

If you are not consistent, your child gets ample opportunity to manipulate you and play one parent against the other. But achieving consistency is a difficult feat, no doubt! And can become more difficult if the other parent is too rigid to change his/her behavior for the child.

Here are some helpful tips:

First off, the key to both staying calm and maintaining consistency is to have a plan. Decide IN ADVANCE how you plan to deal with particular situations.

Once you have a plan, you will be able to calmly do what you had pre-planned.

Without that, you will find yourself put on the spot and, not having a plan, you will simply react with the first idea that comes to mind (which often involves a lot of yelling and threatening!) And next time you will probably react differently.

Set your priorities right. Be firm on the matters you consider important and relent on the unimportant issues. Remember, your child is not a replica of you. Allow some space to your child to grow into an individual in his own right as long as he doesn’t overstep the basic norms of good behavior.

For example - putting their feet on the sofa. Allowed, or not allowed? It is your choice - but whichever way you decide, stick with it. Don't tell them to get their feet off one day, and then allow it the next.

If you think through all the conflicts that give you the greatest stress, you will probably find that many of them are in these grey areas. You can't keep sitting on the fence. Once you decide which way you way to jump, you will find that much of that stress goes away.

The really difficult part is when you have a plan, but your partner keeps undermining it.

If it is very difficult, it sure speaks a lot about your relationship as a couple. You need to look at it again. See, if you can discuss the children calmly and rationally, or are you using them as pawns in your ego games.

Both parents don’t have to agree on everything, but they can agree to disagree amicably and allow each other space. However, it is important to support each other in front of the children, even if you have to iron out differences later on.

If you fail to do that, the kids will simply go from one parent to the other and get what they want.

Consistency between parents is very essential and can be achieved by planning ahead. You should sit together and jointly plan the strategy by discussing your rules and expectations. The best way to do it is to read a parenting book together. This helps you come to decisions fast because, even if you disagree with each other, the book will provide the final answer. Stick to it!

Some parents find it difficult to agree on even fundamental ways of handling situations. This often stems from different styles and beliefs.

All you can do is be true to yourself, and let your partner be true too.

This may result in some very different parenting styles - one being permissive the other being authoritarian. The children are not stupid. They will quickly work this out, and will know what they can get away with and with whom.

This is an unfortunate situation and the sooner the gap between you is reduced the better it would be, otherwise it will create more problems in daily life. Since you cannot change the other, it is advisable to make some changes in your attitude. At least it will be more consistent for the children.

Make amends before the situation gets out of control and the time comes when one parent completely destroys the authority or credibility of the other parent. This is a distress signal for you to take note of and do something about your relationship. If you don't, your children will learn to disrespect all types of authority, and you will gradually lose all respect for yourself too.

The trouble is that people become complacent in their familiar grooves. Habits are hard to break. But, for the sake of your children you need to work on yourself, if you want something to change. Change yourself; it’s easier than changing the other.

If there is one word that is consistently heard about parenting, it is the need for consistency: consistency in what you say and do, and consistency between parents.

Dr. Noel Swanson frequently writes for Yes Parenting website and also has a free newsletter on children's behavior problems.
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