Depressed Rabbit Attempts Suicide

A male rabbit named Furball had lost all hope. The female rabbit he had lived with for an entire year had left him for another rabbit. The owner of the garden he usually dined at had just put a fence around it. A fox had nipped one of his ears. And, at his most depressed, it seemed to him that all life is mere ephemera in the eye of time.

The only thing to do was bring an end to his sorrow, hunger, pain, and inability to find meaning even in a moment. He would take his own life. The question became, how?

The first thing he did is look for a cliff to jump off of, but, alas, he lived on farmland that was pretty flat. He did find one high rock beside the pond the cows waded into each day. Up he scampered.

The challenge was to jump and hit the ground, not the pond. He resolved to end his troubled existence and off he leaped. But when he hit the ground, unfortunately, he landed on his feet. He just stood there, regretting the rock wasn’t higher.

Next, he decided to back up and run at the rock as fast as he could, head first. He hopped back far enough to give himself a good running distance and then headed for the hard immensity. He banged into at full speed and knew nothing else, because the force knocked him out.

As luck would have it, after a while, he woke up, with a thundering headache. He rubbed his aching head with his paw and decided to drown himself. He leapt toward the pond and did a belly smacker. He waited to drown. The terrible thing is, he couldn’t stop swimming. Much as he tried, there was a reflex in him that he couldn’t control. So, filled with regret, along with water that had splashed into his mouth, he paddled out and sat down by the bank to dry off.

He thought about human beings and how many ways they had to commit suicide. Why didn’t rabbits have even one? In fact, why didn’t he ever hear of a rabbit, or any other animal, committing suicide?

No, it seemed that only humans knew how to do that. What was wrong with other animals? he wondered. He signed, realizing there were just no examples in the rabbit world or the entire animal kingdom he could follow.

He felt more miserable than ever and his vision blurred, because tears welled up in his eyes. He tried to wipe them away but his paw was still wet, so the clumpy fur only irritated them and made him blink. Oh, how hopeless his life was! He could see no reason to go on. Nothing good, he was certain, would ever happen to him.

But just then something good did happen. An exceptionally cute female rabbit hopped around the corner of the rock. He saw her and just the site of her made his sullen spirits leap up.

She hopped over to him, and said, “You look very sad. What’s wrong?”

“I want to kill myself but I don’t know how,” he confessed.

“Now, why would a handsome rabbit like you want to kill himself?” she asked.

“Because nothing is going right. My girl friend left me. My favorite garden has been fenced off. A fox bit my ear. And I feel insignificant.”

He leaned forward to show her the bite mark.

“My, oh, my,” she said. “Let me lick it.”

“You’d do that for me?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said. “If a fox bit my ear, I’d want somebody to lick it for me.”

“OK,” he said, “but take it easy. It hurts a lot.”

So the female rabbit licked his ear. He felt good.

“What’s your name?” she asked.

“Furball.”

“I like that,” she said. “Very cute.”

“What’s yours?” he asked.

“Sweet Thing.”

“Me?” he wanted to know.

“Yes, you’re very sweet,” she told him. “But that’s also my name.”

“Oh,” he said, and tested it with is own lips. “Sweet Thing. I like that.

“Good,” she said. “And I like the way you taste.”

“You do?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Great,” he exclaimed, and continued to enjoy her soothing licks. He couldn’t believe it, but what felt like a new life was swirling all through is body.

“How’s that?” she asked, finishing her TLC of his ear.

“Much better,” he told her.

“You know,” she said, sitting down beside him, “I live by a great garden. There’s no fence, and you’re welcome to come there and eat.”

“I am?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Don’t you have a male rabbit who loves you?”

“No,” she said, “he left me for another rabbit.”

“I’m sorry,” Furball said.

“Don’t worry,” I’ll get over it,” Sweet Thing sort of sighed. “But I wish I could meet another male rabbit, one I really like.”

By now our suicidal rabbit was thinking, Hey, who would have believed it just a few minutes ago? My life just might work out! And, even if life is just ephemera in the eye of time, I might be able to fit in enough happiness to be glad I'm alive.

“How about me?” he asked.

“Well, I like you a lot, but I’m not sure I could be happy with a rabbit who is so depressed he would take his own life.”

“Oh, I’m all over that now,” he told her. “And, if you were my girl friend, I’d be all over it forever.” “You would?”

“Yes,” he said, and snuggled up to her. "I'd have so much to live for!"

“Wow,” she said, “and so would I. Would you like to come to my garden and eat something?”

“Love it,” he told her.

“Great. Then off we go!” she replied.

And so off they hopped, to live happily ever after.

Tom Attea, humorist and creator of http://NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his writing "delightfully funny," "witty," with "great humor and ebullience" and "good, genuine laughs."

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