Five Lies about Men

Five Lies about Men

Read this and learn five truths about healthy men: we have feelings, we don’t have to fall on our swards rather than admit defeat, we don’t possess super-human constraint, we are not self sufficient, and we can’t always “take it” when it hurts.

Lie #1: Having Feelings is wrong and bad

Men are confused. We are taught early in the game a basic lie. We are taught as little boys that FEELINGS (yes, I'm goanna talk about the "F" word here guys) are bad and WRONG. We therefore confuse emotions with faults or short-comings if you are a 12-stepper, sins if you are many Christians.

As a man in al-Anon, a 12-step program for people who are being adversely effected by somebody else's drinking, I have listened to men speak during meetings about how hard they are working to overcome such feelings as fear, guilt, and (heaven forbid) ANGER! ‘Ya think that they will ever really eliminate those feelings? Is that going to happen? Is that even desirable? Here are some questions to ponder; if feelings are sins, why did God make them a part of us? If we had no feelings, what kind of beings would we be? If anger is a short-coming, then how could the only perfect man who walked the earth, Jesus, show it so obviously and so often?
So here is a way to live with this conundrum. Suppose feelings and emotions are perfectly normal acceptable experiences for men. Suppose feeling them, expressing them, and accepting them for what they are is all OK. Suppose these feelings only cause moral problems when we make the wrong decisions about how to express them or how we allow them to dictate our behavior choices!

Life might be a lot easier for us (as well as for those who have to live with us) if we just gave ourselves permission to be healthy emotional men who acknowledge to ourselves and to others that we have feelings. Heck, we might even get so "out there" that we are able to admit them out loud to another trusted person (even another man), and then let them go until another one happens along. If I feel honest anger toward another person and I have the nerve to tell him or her so, and if I am ready to deal with whatever reaction that person has to my honest anger we might even engage in some conflict. Wow. Wait a minute...is that a sin too?
And here are the two huge payoffs if I do this: first, I form more honest relationships with everybody around me, and second, I don't have to stay "stuck" playing my only feeling over and over again in my imagination. Let me make this so simple that any man can understand it. Guys, ask yourself this question as you finish reading this; how many decades of internal peace have you sacrificed to being mad about something that your Dad did or said when you were only ten years old?

Lie #2: Real men fall on their swards rather than admit defeat.

A wise counselor once told my wife and I "...it's hard to hug a porcupine!" Addicts and alcoholics are like porcupines. Their decades of consuming known depressants render them irritable and negative. Their addiction has been used to avoid facing and solving life's problems, so they have hampered their own maturation process, because maturity can only happen when a person faces a difficult painful situation, and then grows enough to solve it after demonstrating enough humility to ask for help. However, loving those who are hard to love is what we are admonished to do. That is a major goal of many religions, including Christianity. We Christians are supposed to become more Christ-like, and loving those who persecute you is His specialty!

Our 12-step life is riddled with seeming contradictions. On the one hand, we are taught not to accept unacceptable behavior lest we fall into the trap of enabling by not standing up for ourselves against those who would abuse us. At the same time, we are told to develop acceptance, to release resentments, and to "...fake it ‘til we make it." If you can tease out this distinction...the distinction between the soul of the person exhibiting the unacceptable behavior and the behavior itself, then it IS possible to do all of this. In a sentence, learn the love the person but hate their disease.
Some personify evil as the Devil. Some just think in terms of negative influences in the universe, or the yin and the yang. In Texas they just say "...what goes around comes around." But I have learned that negativity is always promulgated by the diseases of addiction, alcoholism, and codependency. That negativity will take away life, dignity, finances, physical health, emotional health, marriages, relationships, and spiritual growth. Like a virus, these diseases eventually destroy everybody and everything.

Somehow, someplace inside, every person sooner or later has to make some basic decisions. These are decisions such as am I going to be a leaner, or a holder upper of others who lean? Am I going to put forth the personal effort to grow toward self-actualization, or am I going to take what appears as the expedient path (of least resistance) and resort to blame, escape through addictions, lethargy and personal stagnation? In the program we learn that these do not have to be lofty questions. Sometimes it is even easier to take the high road than the low one. I have seen people put forth extra effort to lie (maybe just out of habit) when telling the truth was actually easier! I wonder out loud here questions such as how often is misery optional. Maybe we have more choices than we realize. Maybe we sometimes choose pain just because it is familiar. Maybe there are better ways to live. Maybe the people who tried to grow us up into adults tried to make us in their own image, and maybe that image wasn't too healthy! Then again, you might just want to stay where you are. No problem. Just keep up the conversation with the guy on the bus such as, "Hey man, how ‘bout those Patriots?"

Lie #3: Real men are able to control their feelings.

There is no point to making this deep or complicated. Let’s use a slogan here and just “keep it simple.” Let’s start with an easily understood emotion. Let’s start with laughter. Gentlemen, just ask yourself this question; how long has it been since you totally "lost it" to laughter? Do you sometimes go an entire day without laughing...a week? Laughter feels good. Laughter comes from a spirit that is light and free. Why don’t we laugh more? Is it because laughter requires some loss of control? Is it because you cannot laugh without being in the present? Is it because you just don't see anything to laugh about right now? Addiction suppresses laughter because it renders us heavy and dark inside. There is not space in a mind that is full of worry, fear, doubt, anger and every imaginable projection about what might happen next for lightness of spirit.
Complexity is heavy, simplicity is light. Our slogan "keep it simple" is profound. Before recovery, when I had a conversation with somebody and the conversation left me going away confused, I assumed that they were just more intelligent than I. That often led to poor self-talk. Through the program, I have learned that confusion is an elevated state of consciousness. Confusion teaches me. If the confusion is truly a lack of understanding, then it can lead to growth. It means that I am still teachable. It means that I am still a work in progress, and that I have a personal challenge to rise to some deeper level of understanding of a subject.
I have also learned that complexity sometimes comes because the other individual wants it that way. Confusion can also be an internal barometer to identify manipulation or guile in another. I like being around people who are direct. People who are direct never leave you wondering about where you stand with them. People who are indirect are what I call high maintenance friends. They require a great deal of energy and focus from me. They have gotten so adept at manipulating others into giving that to them that they do it even while you are aware that they are doing it! People who are deliberately complicated may have underlying messages such as "I am smarter than you are," or "I want you to feel sorry for my situation."
Here is the point; it is OK to laugh like CRAZY, whenever you want to do so, and no matter what anybody else might think!

Lie #4: Self sufficiency is manly

Gentlemen, how often do you ask another man for help…of any kind? Before most men can ask for help, it needs to be restricted to a narrow range of male activities. All three of us as writers have worked in construction at various times in our lives. Men working in construction think nothing of asking each other for help because it is just necessary in order to get the job done. If a man wants to move a 4X4 that is about 20 feet long, he thinks nothing of saying something to the guy next to him like “…hey Mac, would you mind splittin’ this 4X4 with me? We gotta get it over to the corner there.”

However, the same man who was able to ask for help in that situation would not even think of revealing to that other guy that last night he was up with the police until 2:00 AM while his 19 year-old daughter was being busted for prostitution to support her addiction.

Here is another question. Asking for personal help, such as the example above would require a deep friendship between these two men. There would have to be a great deal of mutual trust. My question here is this; are real friendships between men even .possible in America today? They were in other cultures, in other times. Take a look at this quote from the Bible and let’s explore this issue of deep friendships between modern-day men by comparing them to what the Bible describes.
"After David had finished talking with Saul, he met Jonathan, the king's son. There was an immediate bond of love between them, and they became the best of friends. And Jonathan made a special vow to be David's friend, and he sealed the pact by giving him his robe, tunic, sword, bow, and belt." 1 Samuel 18:1, 3-4
First, in the example above taken from the Old Testament, the distinction was made that Jonathan was the king's son. That implies that Jonathan was much younger, and therefore probably one of David's contemporaries. They immediately had that in common. Our studies of our own Monday Night Men's Group, which has a roster of over 60 men who have attended meetings regularly over the past 12 months, indicate that there is some validity to this commonality among men within similar age groups. The youngest of our group are always in their early 30's, and usually have fathers who are their "qualifiers." The oldest, in their 70's, usually have sons who are their qualifiers. In the middle, the men from 35-55, usually have a wife who is their qualifier. But the disease of addiction transcends the boundaries created by the classic "generation gap." Regardless of age, we watch in awe as the 70 year-old retired coach with the addicted son relates to the 32-year old sociology teacher with the addicted father!
Next, notice what Jonathan willingly gave to David to seal their friendship. First, he gave his robe...his outermost covering. Then he even gave his tunic! Jonathan physically and metaphorically made himself naked in front of David. He said in effect, "I trust you enough to expose myself without modesty to you."
The answer we have learned through years of attending men's Al-Anon meetings is YES! It is not only possible for men to form deep trusting friendships, , it is terribly important that we do so.
I can tell you that witnessing a CEO trying in an open meeting among over 20 men through halting sentences to describe how he felt when he had to go through the sadness, embarrassment and shame of visiting his only son at the county jail last Saturday night was just like that. It was dead quiet in that Community Center meeting room with the shades closed and our group years ago bought the shades and donated them to the center to protect our anonymity. The man finally surrendered to his feelings and wept. The acceptance, caring, and just pure agape love that poured forth from the men who spoke after this scion of industry showed how devastating his son's alcoholism had been to him was palpable.
Next, Jonathan handed over his sword, bow, and belt. That meant to me that Jonathan gave up his offense. He handed over all of his protection. He stripped himself of both his means of offense and defense. For a Jewish man of Old Testament times, to surrender these items was the ultimate trust. When our CEO friend wept he removed his front. His pride, his bluster, his manliness, all of that which was so important, to anyone, but especially to a successful corporate man, was surrendered...publicly.
There is another quote I want to use now, this one from Proverbs, 27:17.
"As iron sharpens iron, a friend sharpens a friend."
Reduced by this disease to your core, you are now "teachable." Letting go of the feelings after genuinely feeling them is only the beginning. Our dear CEO can now attend our meeting for as long as he wishes, trusting and exposing him every week while witnessing other men doing the same thing. Some day he can develop enough trust to approach a man to whom he can relate, and ask him to be his sponsor. The man he approaches may be an auto mechanic, a janitor, or an airline pilot. It makes no difference to either one of them. They are men who have learned to trust other men, and now the mechanic will serve as the iron that sharpens the CEO.

Lie #5: The capacity to “take it,” to endure pain, is what real men are made of.

When James Bond is tortured inhumanely by the bad guy he makes jokes. The last thing James Bond thinks, let alone voices are the words

“We admitted we were powerless…”

Men today represent 16% of Al-Anons, and yet within the current generation of alcohol and drug users, the ladies are matching their male counterparts in addiction rates. Why this huge discrepancy?
When I came into Al-Anon years ago I was one of only about four men in all of a large metropolitan area who attended meetings regularly. Why? Well, first, admitting I was powerless over anything was not even thinkable for me, given who I was and how I was raised. A real man does not just "accept" a bad situation...he DOES SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Second, when I actually did attend a meeting (after my sponsor...one of the four guys) just hounded me until I did, I found what looked to me at that time like a secretive little meeting room full of women...most of them much older than I was. Besides, all of the "real men" were across the hall in AA laughing boisterously. Hey, I didn't want to BE an Al-Anon anyway, and after that first experience...well, thank God for my sponsor, who just refused to give up on my recovery!
I faithfully attend a weekly Men's Al-Anon meeting in my hometown of about 80,000 people, and I am one of 30-35 men. We are in all levels of recovery, we have many different ‘qualifiers’ such as wives, sons, mothers, brothers, best friends, even bosses, yet we are all there participating in our own recovery process. Yes, the flavor of the meeting is distinctively different from most meetings, but we have learned that resentful is resentful, and it hurts the one doing the resenting regardless of sex...the same with fear, embarrassment, disgust and bankruptcy, none of which are any fun whether you call yourself John or Carol.
We all urge you. If you are a man reading this who suspects that you have a person addicted to anything...alcohol, drugs (hallucinogens, opiates, marijuana, or prescription drugs) food, sex, work...or shopping, please get some help. It's out there!

Please. Reach out to Al-Anon. You can easily find a meeting by7 calling 1-888-4-AL-ANON or accessing their excellent web site at www.al-anonalateen.org

Read this and learn five TRUTHS about healthy men: we have feelings, we donnot have to fall on our swards rather than admit defeat, we donnot possess super-human constraint, we are not self-sufficient, and we can't always "take it" when it really hurts!

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