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Hilarious Jokes to Lighten Your Mood

By: Steven Jeny

In a rut? Grumbling about all the nonsense in your life? Switch to decaf and lighten up a bit. Easier said then done, eh? Well, give these jokes and quotes a read. They should do the trick.

1. Rodney Dangerfield - With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

2. Drew Carey - You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!

3. Steven Wright - I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

4. W.C. Fields - was a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.

5. Dave Attell - You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike

6. Steven Wright - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

7. Rodney Dangerfield - A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

8. George Bush - One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected.

9. Jay Leno - Researchers have found that oral sex among teenagers has doubled in the last ten years. So who says there is no lasting Clinton legacy.

10. Rodney Dangerfield - I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

11. Jerry Seinfield - Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

12. Dave Attell - You ever get drunk and pass out... or as I call it 'time travel'?

13. Dave Attell - Man, you've gone from social drinker to alcoholic really quickly.

14. Jay Leno - In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word 'peace.' Right idea, wrong president.

15. Bill Cosby - A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

If life is getting you down, fight back. Read a joke or funny saying each day. Even on the worst of days, it will provide you with a little glimmer of relief. A laugh a day keeps the mental institution away!

In a rut? Grumbling about all the nonsense in your life? Switch to decaf and lighten up a bit. Easier said then done, eh? Well, give these jokes and quotes a read. They should do the trick.

Read short funny quotes at FunnyQuotesDaily.com. Updated each and every day!
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