Some People Will Eat Anything

WARNING: This week's column contains news so scary, so utterly horrific, that I, the author of said column, hereby declare that I will not be held responsible for the mental anguish or irreparable emotional damage caused by reading it. In fact, I didn't even write this column. I bought it off some guy I met in the parking lot at Captain D's. Do not read this column if you are currently pregnant with septuplets, have a heart condition that is aggravated by second hand smoke or microwave ovens, taking prescription drugs to cure impotency and/or male pattern baldness, are easily excited by really bad news, or work for the US Postal Service. Continue reading at your own risk. And don't say I didn't warn you.

DATELINE: May 1, 1998: The following emergency statement has been issued by the United States Fish and Wildlife Service in Washington, DC:

Oops, wait a second, wrong wildlife statement. Let's try this one from Rappaport Clark, Director of the US Fish and Wildlife Service:

I warned you. Just makes you shudder, doesn't it, the prospect of a world without communist- leaning fish eggs? I see this as just one more sign that the Apocalypse is close at hand. First it was the hole in the ozone layer, then global warming, then El Niño, then Seinfeld called it quits -- my God, is there no end to the horror we mortals must endure?

With a name like "Rappaport," it's no wonder Director Clark is so upset about the waning caviar supply. He doesn't exactly sound like a guy who would be comfortable serving potted meat and Spam at his next soiree. I guess he never saw that old commercial where Andy Griffith proudly announced that "everything tastes great when it sits on a Ritz!" Of course, you'd never catch Andy munching on fish eggs and pate´. Barney maybe, Goober definitely, but never Andy.

The thing that amazes me most about caviar is not that people actually eat it (though that DOES amaze me), but that they pay $50 an ounce for the privilege of doing so. Call me cheap, but no food on earth is so incredibly delicious that it justifies that kind of price tag, especially when an ounce of it isn't even enough to make a halfway decent sandwich.

Here's proof of my point: think of your favorite food. Now think about what it costs. Would you pay $50 for an ounce of it? I didn't think so.

"Okay, sir, that's a Quarter Pounder with cheese and a 16-ounce soft drink. That'll be twelve hundred dollars plus tax. Did you want fries with that?"

Sure, Bucky, just let me finish filling out this McDonald's credit application...

Maybe I'm just too low on the social scale to appreciate the allure of an expensive mouthful of fish eggs. People eat stranger things, I suppose, especially we southerners. Still, caviar, like cow tongue, chicken necks and livers, pig innards (chit'lins, to you and me), and mountain oysters (if you don't know what they are, ask someone who isn't in a position to sue you for sexual harassment) is not something that could have been eaten accidentally like a gnat at a summer picnic. All these things took incredible effort to find and an incredible curiosity to eat.

Most people are like Mikey, the old Life Cereal kid. We are nondiscriminating carnivores who will eat anything -- especially if it can be made to taste like chicken.

You may remember a previous column about the West Virginia legislature passing a law that legalized the eating of roadkill. Well, if you think those hungry West Virginians have a taste for the odd furry creature, check out this international entry into the "Some People Will Eat Anything" Hall of Fame.

Talk about pushing the limits of supply and demand. It's no wonder the most popular restaurant in Hanoi is called Tom and Jerry's.

So, will the world survive if its supply of caviar goes away? Maybe, maybe not. Either way, you'll not see me eating something that comes out of a fish's behind.

No sir, I'll just have a nice western omelette, instead.

Most people are like Mikey, the old Life cereal kid. We are nondiscriminating carnivores who will eat anything -- especially if it can be made to taste like chicken

Tim Knox, Entrepreneur, Author, Speaker, Radio Host Founder, The Insiders Club, Giving You The Power To Start Your Business Today www.theinsidersclub.com Bestselling Author of: "Everything I Know About Business I Learned From My Mama" www.timknox.com

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