Where's There's Three

Grandma made a major decision the other day. She had been ponderin and ponderin how to deal with her three little darlins in the best way possible. She finally decided since there were three of them, maybe there should be three of her. Yep, Grandma decided she’d split her personality into three personalities and become three in one. Who knows? Even that Miss Ophrie might come a callin to her door and a wantin to meet them three in one.

So Grandma had to decide which three personalities she’d be. She thought about the girlies’ favorites, but she didn’t know what no Lindsay Lahon, Hannah Montana, Dora the Explorer, Taylor Hicks, Paula Abdul, Hillary Duff, or even Polly Pockets might be all about. So Grandma just fell back on her old tried and true personalities—some that she knew real, real good!

For starters, Grandma thought it might be a good idea to start the day off with her Shirley Temple personality. After all, her little sweeties couldn’t even be that sweet theirselfs. Grandma thought she could get that nice Miss Cindy down at the Roffler Shop to put them Shirley Temple curls all over her head. Then she’d find herself some big fancy candy shop and git her the biggest, stripedest lollipop that’s ever been made. Grandma’s old knees got to knockin when she slipped right into her Shirley Temple stand-out dress with her crinoline slip peekin out from the bottom. Grandma even brought out an old pair of Shirley Temple black patent leathers to complete her new personality.

Needless to say, when Grandma Shirley Temple walked in to model her new personality to her babies, they all went to screamin and a laughin and callin Grandma a silly goose. That, of course, was before they spied the giant lollipop, and then they started to grabbin and callin claims to that big beauty with so much enthusiasm they crushed the candy part and sent the stick part a sailin through the air until it landed straight up and down in Grandpa’s glasses (which he’d just put on to see who that cute little doll in the Shirley Temple curls was). Fortunately for him, he didn’t have ‘em on long enough to see Grandma a pullin just bout ever one of them curls straight out.

So, on to the next personality. Grandma thought she’d make a perfect Annie Oakley. Gittin a big ole hat over what was left of them curls was not too much trouble, but when Grandma put them spurs on her brogans she wound up scratchin up her brand new hardwood floors that Grandpa had just laid.

Grandma didn’t have no cowgirl vest so she just grabbed the chenille bedspread, and it almost went all way around her to be the purtiest vest any cowgirl ever saw. Last, Grandma strapped her gun and holster set (who knows where it came from?) round her hips. Then she picked up the babies’ jump rope and started to twirling that rope and a lassoing right there in front of that television set where them babies was glued to some show called Deal or No Deal.

It took ‘em a minute to notice Annie (aka Grandma), but when they did, they went to grabbin and callin claims on them there guns on Annie’s hips. Whoa! Grandma couldn’t let them sweeties get their hands on no guns so she thought real fast and with all her might and her sharp-shooter’s eye, she slung them guns straight for the sink full of dirty dishes. She knowed them girls wouldn’t go nowhere near dirty dishes, and she was right. The next thing she heard was, “No deal!”

Well, Grandma was now left with her choice of a third personality. There was no question which one that would be. Grandma got her lipstick out and drawed her biggest, reddest Joan Crawford smile anybody had ever seen. Yep, Grandma was gonna be a perfect Mommy Dearest. To tell you what happened next would be too scary, but Grandma’ll tell you in a heartbeat that her babies won’t go near the closet no more, and they keep awakin up in the middle of the night screamin something she can’t understand about coat hangers.

Grandma tried. Grandma failed. Now Grandma will just be Grandma, but she still wonders what would have happened if she’d just made her experiment a little easier and split into the Three Stooges instead. (Bomp, slap, thump!!)

Ruth Gunter Mitchell is a retired English teacher and author of a novel, Nothing But The Blood,which can be purchased at Amazon.com or at ruthm@ruthguntermitchell.com. Ruth Gunter Mitchell writes a monthly newsletter article "Grandma's Greetings." She bases her writings on her experiences as grandmother to three. Her website is http://www.ruthguntermitchell.com

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