Margaret Paul, Ph.D.'s Articles in Self-Esteem - Self Improvement Articles from PositiveArticles.Com

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Margaret Paul, Ph.D.'s Articles in Self-Esteem

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Connecting With Your Higher Self When you want to listen to a particular radio station, you tune your radio to that station, tuning in to a particular frequency. Same when you want to watch a particular show on TV. It is the frequency you tune into that determines what you hear and what you see. Our brains operate in very much the same way, except that we have only two stations we can tune into - the ego station and the higher-self station. The ego station is the station that originates in the program... Do You Need Others' Approval? "At work, every time I have to speak at meetings, I get so stressed." "I’m taking a class and I'm always afraid to raise my hand and ask a question." "I'm fine one to one, but as soon as I get into a group, I'm so tense I can hardly stand it." "I'm totally relaxed with my women friends, but as soon as I'm with a guy I like, I can't be myself." Each of these people are anxious and stressed because they want to get approval and avoid disapproval. What are they telli... Addiction To Venting "I was up too late with my friend Peg last night," Abigail told me in our phone session. "She was needing to vent. Then I had a problem falling asleep, but at least I was there for her." "How often does this happen?" I asked her. "Oh, fairly often. At least every couple of weeks." "Why do you continue to listen to her?" "Isn't that what a good friend does?" "How do you feel when you listen to her?" "Kind of stressed." "Do you see it helping her to vent to... We Are Not Meant To Live Alone John Robbins, the heir to the Baskin-Robbins ice cream fortune, stated on the Coast to Coast radio show that one of the surprises of his research into cultures known for their longevity, was the importance of love and healthy relationships. Loneliness and negative interactions can depress the functioning of the body's systems and lead to poor health, Robbins reported. "I believe that ultimately it is the love in our lives that underlies and makes possible our greatest healing... Emotions As Information When you were a small child, your painful emotions may have felt too overwhelming to feel. If you experienced physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, your little body was not big enough to manage the painful feelings. If you were neglected, unseen, misunderstood, invaded, smothered, shamed or ridiculed, it may have felt too painful to manage. If you were a highly sensitive child with parents who did not understand high sensitivity, you may have felt too much emotion to handle. ... Trusting And Honoring Your Feelings Do you trust your feelings and take action for yourself based on your feelings? Many of us grew up learning to mistrust our feelings. "Don't be ridiculous," my mother often said to me when I asked her why she was angry. "I'm not angry," she would say with anger in her voice. "Don't be ridiculous" was what I often heard in response to many of my feelings. So I learned to mistrust my feelings. It took me many years of inner work to regain trust in my feelings. Feelings are i... Self-Abandonment The Encarta® World English Dictionary defines “abandon” as: “to leave somebody or something behind for others to look after, especially somebody or something meant to be a personal responsibility.” As adults, our own wellbeing is our personal responsibility. Do you abandon yourself, instead making others responsible for you, and then feel abandoned by others when they leave you or don’t take responsibility for you? As an adult, another person cannot abandon you, sinc... The Dead End Of Resistance Jimmy had spent many years in various kinds therapy, yet still felt numb and empty inside most of the time. He consulted with me because he hoped that the Inner Bonding process we teach would move him out of feeling so stuck. It became apparent to me soon after starting to work with Jimmy on the phone that he was deeply stuck in resistance to taking responsibility for himself. His main intention was to have control over getting approval from others. He was a typical “nice”... Alcoholism And Healing Jeffrey showed up at one of my 5-Day Inner Bonding Intensives to deal with his alcoholism and resulting relationship problems. His past two marriages had ended in messy divorces. His business was falling apart. Yet in the face of all of this, Jeffrey could not or would not stop drinking. Two things were immediately apparent in my first session with Jeffrey. First, he had completely abandoned himself, making others responsible for his self-worth. Due to his unwillingness to... Are You Stuck In Your Life? Are you constantly reading self-help and motivational books yet nothing changes? Have you tried many different forms of therapy yet still feel unhappy, anxious, depressed and alone? Do you often have the answers for others but not for yourself? The problem may be that you are intent on “fixing” problems rather than learning about what is in your highest good and taking the loving action. You will stay stuck when fixing is more important than learning and taking action. ... Love Addiction, Approval Addiction In my experience as a counselor for 40 years, I have found that love addiction and approval addiction are far more prevalent than any other substance or process addictions. We live in a love-addicted, approval-addicted society. What does it mean to be love/approval addicted? Below is a checklist for you to see if you are addicted to love and/or approval. Believing any of these may indicate love or approval addiction. I believe that: * My happiness and wellbeing are d... The Fear Of Being Alone Gina consulted with me because her marriage was falling apart. She had discovered that her husband was having yet another affair, and when he was with her, he was either angry or withdrawn. She had requested numerous times that he join her in couples therapy, but he had no interest in healing their relationship. Gina was financially independent and could easily leave. Their children were all adults. There was nothing to keep her in this marriage. Yet she was still there. ... Getting Into The Holiday Spirit What comes to mind when you think about the holidays? Do you groan, feeling burdened by all you have to do? Do you dread going shopping for gifts or cleaning up after a Christmas or Chanukah celebration? Or, do you feel a sense of fun, of delight, of joy in the celebrating, giving and receiving? Which part of you is in charge of the holidays – your judgmental self or your loving self? Think for a moment about the little child in you – the child that loved the holi... Healing From Childhood Abuse In the 37 years that I have been counseling individuals, I have worked with many people who have suffered from severe physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse in childhood. Many who have sought my help were suffering from fear and anxiety, depression, various addictions, relationship problems and sexual problems. Many of these people had no memory of their childhood and had no idea why there were so unhappy. Many had spent years in therapy yet had never remembered their abuse... I Need A Partner To Be Happy Do you believe that you need a partner to be happy? My client, Adrienne, an attractive woman in her 50’s, has been married and divorced twice. She was unhappy in both marriages, but she still believes that she needs a partner to be happy. This belief continually leads her into inappropriate relationships with men who initially come on strong, only to turn out to be emotionally needy, just like her. The problem is we attract people at our common level of woundedness and our... The Temptation Of The Critical Voice Each of us has an inner critic. There is no way to grow up in our society without having developed this inner critical voice – which comes from parents, teachers, peers, the media, and from our own conclusions. The problem is that this inner critic sounds like a voice of authority when in reality it doesn’t know what it is talking about. It is a voice based on beliefs that have been handed down through generations but that have no basis in fact. How often has this voice... What Are Your Feelings Telling You? Our feelings are an incredible instant feedback system regarding what is good for us and what is bad for us. For example, our physically painful feelings let us know that something needs attending to regarding our physical body. If you put your hand on a hot stove, the burning feeling immediately tells you to remove your hand. If you didn’t get the pain, you could badly your hand. So the instant pain is vitally important information for your wellbeing. The same is true ... Should I Go On Meds? There are many medications for anxiety and depression. Yet anxiety and depression are not caused by a lack of these medications. There are some important things to consider regarding these medications. Here is what I tell my clients when they ask me if they should go on meds: “If your anxiety or depression feels so unmanageable that you are not able to do the inner work you need to do to heal, then meds might help you stabilize enough to give you an opportunity to heal.... Filling Up Externally, Filling Up Internally We all love to feel full inside, which is one of the reasons why eating too much is such a challenge for a lot of people. Yet, as soon as the food digests, many people go back to feeling empty, searching around for more food or something else to fill them up again. Feeling empty feels so awful and alone that most people find numerous addictions to fill that empty aloneness. They scramble around to find substances, processes, or people to fill the empty and alone place within.... Are You Raising Bratty Kids? Jeffrey consulted with me because his three-year old son, Jason, was hitting and having temper tantrums. Jeffrey was mystified because he and his wife, Collette, had never hit or yelled at Jason. Jeffrey and Collette were very careful to respect Jason’s feelings and needs and could not understand where he could have learned his disrespectful behavior. Nothing they did stopped Jason from hitting and screaming when he didn’t get his way. He was immune to the time-outs they c... Overweight Kids When I was growing up there was rarely an overweight child. Occasionally someone would be plump, but I can’t remember anyone in my class being fat. However, TV wasn’t around until I was eight years old and the streets were a safe place to play. We had plenty of P.E. in school and played hard after school. Even as we grew older and had more homework, physical activity was a major part of our lives. And there wasn’t as much junk food around yet. Today, the combination of pro... Toxic Guilt, Healthy Guilt Guilt is an important feeling. It is the appropriate feeling to have when we have deliberately done something hurtful or harmful to others. People who can harm others without any feelings of guilt or remorse were formerly called sociopaths or psychopathic personalities, and are now defined as suffering from Anti-social Personality Disorder. Anti-social Personality Disorder is a severe disorder that includes – along with many other symptoms - the lack of a conscience. Without ... Happiness Takes Work: 5 Choices To Create Happiness All of us have met people who just seem to be happy most of the time. Perhaps you have assumed that these people are just naturally happy, or that they are the lucky people who have an easy life, or they had really loving parents. Most of the time, nothing could be farther from the truth. Happy people are making specific choices regarding their thinking and behavior. Happy people CONSCIOUSLY choose to think and behave in ways that result in happiness. Unhappy people are UN... Recovery From Addictions, Part 5 In Part 1 of this series of articles, I defined substance and process addictions, and described the four major false beliefs that underlie most addictions: 1. I can’t handle my pain. 2. I am unworthy and unlovable. 3. Others are my source of love. 4. I can have control over how others feel about me and treat me. In Parts 2,3 and 4, I explored in depth each of these false beliefs and how they contribute to addictive behavior. In this final part of this series, I addre... Recovery From Addictions, Part 4 In Part 1 of this series of articles, I defined substance and process addictions, and described the four major false beliefs that underlie most addictions: 1. I can’t handle my pain. 2. I am unworthy and unlovable. 3. Others are my source of love. 4. I can have control over how others feel about me and treat me. Part 2 was about the first of these beliefs – learning how to handle pain. Part 3 addressed the second and third beliefs – “I am unworthy and unlovable” and ... Recovery From Addictions, Part 2 (This is Part 2 of a 5-part series on addiction). In Part 1 of this series of articles, I defined substance and process addictions, and described the four major false beliefs that underlie most addictions: 1. I can’t handle my pain. 2. I am unworthy and unlovable. 3. Others are my source of love. 4. I can have control over how others feel about me and treat me. This article addresses the first of these beliefs, and goes into the process of learning to manage your ... Recovery From Addictions: Part 1 (This is Part 1 of a 5-part series on addiction). Just about everyone in our society is addicted to something. Addictions can take many forms: SUBSTANCE ADDICTIONS: addiction to alcohol, recreational drugs, prescription meds, caffeine, nicotine, food, sugar, carbohydrates. PROCESS ADDICTIONS: addiction to love, connection, caretaking, anger, resistance, withdrawal, and to activities such as: • TV • Computer/internet • Busyness • Gossiping • Sports • Exercise ... Self Esteem: You Are Not Who You Think You Are David sat in front of me at one of my five-day intensive workshops. A successful businessman with a wife and two grown children, David believed that he was not good enough. “I’m insufficient,” he said. “I’m inadequate.” I looked at this kind man and felt deep sadness for him. He did not know who he was. “Why do you believe that?” I asked. “I didn’t do well in school, and I’ve made lots of mistakes in my life.” “So you are basing your worth on your performance,... Beyond Fear And Addiction: Six Steps To Healing There is a wonderful anachronism for FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real Much of the fear in our lives is based on false evidence. Our bodies are designed to respond with the fight or flight mechanism to real and present danger - such as being physically attacked. In the face of real and present danger, the adrenaline flows and the blood drains out of our organs and brain and into our limbs to prepare us for fight or flight. Yet many people spend much of their... What Creates Self-Esteem? We all want to feel good about ourselves but many of us go about this in the ways that will never create self-esteem. Do you believe that you will have high self-esteem when: • You make a lot of money? • You achieve a high position in your work? • You have an expensive car or an expensive home? • You are famous? • You find the right relationship? • You receive approval from the important people in your life? While all of these can result in momentary ...

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