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Tim Knox's Articles in Humor

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  • A Christmas Of Good Intentions
    Christmas is that time of the year when we all rejoice and celebrate. However, along with Christmas comes a chore that is troublesome to some people - "shopping". This article relates just one such trip to avoid doing last minute shopping by going for it a full week in advance.
  • All The President's Women
    How does the nation take the allegations against President Bill Clinton? There have been national surveys and forecasts by amateurs and pundits alike. Here is an analysis of the whole episode as well as some advice for the President.
  • Armadillo On The Half Shell
    The origins of the human food menu is certainly a mystery that is yet unsolved. However, it seems that some amendments are certainly being made in these dietary standards today!
  • Beanie Babies Anonymous
    The Beanie Babies syndrome has really caught on with no end in sight. Read on to see some of the effects of this mania and some tips on how to cure it.
  • El Nino Made Me Do It!
    The changing climate certainly does pose a threat to our planet and eco-system. However, it also presents an opportunity for those who need to blame somethine
  • Getting "Yankee Naked"
    Nakedness is no longer a word that is self explanatory. There are just so many variations of this word with each having a different meaning that an explanation of the braod categories is necessary. This is just what this article sets out to do!
  • Ghosts Of Halloweens Past
    Times may have changed but the spirit of Halloween continues to live on. Children today have as much as they did in the past - and so do their parents!
  • Gimme A Head With Hair
    A man's hair are certainly one of his best assets and a matter of pride. For many their loss can cause depression and anxiety that must be taken care of by an expert psychotherapist - or better still by a sports car!
  • Growing Old In A Red Miata
    I just had another birthday and I'm not particularly happy about it. To me, that's like saying, "I'm another year closer to having my prostate removed! Somebody bake me a cake and let's party!"
  • Honey, Did You Take Your Pill?
    A birth control pill for men? As if remembering to take out the trash isn't enough pressure.
  • I Hope You Kept The Receipt
    Will it be something from Victoria's Secret or another beefstick this year?
  • I Love You, You Love Me
    Barney The Dinosaur is suing The Famous San Diego Chicken for beating up a Barney lookalike during his act. Sounds like a clear case of costume envy to me.
  • I Was Rooting For
    Who was I rooting for in the Iron Bowl? Sorry, if I tell you, I'll have to kill you
  • If You Clone A Schizophrenic
    Scientists have successfully cloned a sheep and a cow. What's next? Dogs? Cats? Professional wrestlers? Me? And if you clone a schizophrenic, how many people do you get?
  • No Sale Like A Yardsale
    Remember, it's not how much you spend at a yardsale, but how much you talk them down
  • Pick On Somebody Your Own Size
    Mattel's redesigning Barbie to make her more realistic. Imagine Christy Brinkley going in, David Brinkley.
  • Show Me The Money
    The stock market could crash like a circus fat lady falling over a lawn chair and it wouldn't affect me in the least. All my money's tied up in bills; electric bill, phone bill, Visa bill etc.
  • Smoke 'em If You Can Afford 'em
    What's the difference between a $30 cigar and one that costs fifty cents. The answer begins with cow poop.
  • Some Guys Have All The Luck
    Recent studies claim that the less educated you are, the more sex you have, and the more sex you have, the longer you'll live. Sure gives new meaning to "Live long and prosper!"
  • Some People Will Eat Anything
    Most people are like Mikey, the old Life cereal kid. We are nondiscriminating carnivores who will eat anything -- especially if it can be made to taste like chicken
  • Sometimes Life Just Ain't Funny
    Alabama weather is about as predictable as watching The Jerry Springer Show. You know something's going to happen, you're just not sure what it will be.
  • St. Viagra's Dance
    The impotency drug Viagra has every old person I know talking about having sex again. All I have to say is, 'Folks, please, not in front of the children!
  • Staying Alive
    If someone offered you a pill that would add 50 years to your life, would you take it? Not me. At least not until I found out who'd be footing the bill for all that extra life.
  • The Dust Settles On Miss America
    The Miss America Pageant is taking its last breath. Will the mourners have to wear swimsuits to the funeral, or will evening gowns be enough?
  • The Four Letters Between PG & R
    When you're a kid, there are certain words you dare not say. Swear words, my mother called them, cuss words. Today, my kids call them "daddy words." You can probably figure out why.
  • The Intelligent Diaper
    I believe it was Frank Zappa who said, "Necessity is the mother of invention," which means that if there is a need for something, sooner or later, someone will invent it. And then Microsoft will rip it off.
  • The New Fab Four
    They sing, they dance, they drive the kids wild. But how best to describe the Teletubbies to the uninitiated? Imagine this: if Pink Floyd produced a half-hour show for kids, this would be it. And you would enjoy it immensely.
  • The Real McCaugheys
    They sing, they dance, they drive the kids wild. But how best to describe the Teletubbies to the uninitiated? Imagine this: if Pink Floyd produced a half-hour show for kids, this would be it. And you would enjoy it immensely.
  • The Religion Of Football
    Here in Alabama, there are three kinds of people: Crimson Tide fans, War Eagle fans, and atheists.
  • The Sky Is Falling
    When you turn on the TV and learn that a giant, killer asteroid is headed your way, you have to ask yourself certain questions. Like, should I have that second bowl of Crispy Hexagons or just stop at one?
  • The Smarter White Meat
    A college professor at Penn State is trying to teach pigs to communicate using computers. I think this guy is one pork rind short of a full bag. Who wants to get email from a pig?
  • The Tanya Factor
    Is it me or are the '98 Winter Olympics about as exciting as watching old people speedwalk at the mall? What's missing this year? Could be The Tanya Factor
  • The Tax Man Cometh
    Someone once said the only things in life that are certain are death and taxes I think the only difference between the two is that death claims you just once, but taxes can kill you every year.
  • The Unsinkable Tim Knox
    I call them 'Ti-taniacs.' They look perfectly normal at first, but eventually they will ask, 'Have you seen 'Titanic' yet? That's when their dimentia rolls to the surface and the all-out assault begins
  • Thingamabobs And Whatchamadigits
    My daughter cornered me the other night, wanting to know about the birds and bees. Actually, she wanted to know what "sectional misconduct" was.
  • What's my mama gonna say?
    I know you're going to find this hard to believe, but I, Tim Knox, am a sexist pig. Sorry, mama. I had no idea.
  • When Great Minds Meet
    When the richest man in America meets the world's greatest Elvis impersonator, you know only good things could come of it. Could 'Don't Be Cruel' really become Microsoft's new theme song?
  • Who Cracked My Crystal Ball?
    Predictons for the new year as foretold over a beer and Polish sausage sandwich
  • Women Are From Where?
    A remote control in the hands of a woman is a dangerous thing, especially when it's her man she's trying to change.
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