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Tom Attea's Articles in Humor

  • Depressed Rabbit Attempts Suicide
    A male rabbit named Furball had lost all hope. The female rabbit he had lived with for an entire year had left him for another rabbit. The owner of the garden he usually dined at had just put a fence around it. A fox had nipped one of his ears. And, at his most depressed, it seemed to him that all life is mere ephemera in the eye of time.

    The only thing to do was bring an end to his sorrow, hunger, pain, and inability to find meaning even in a moment. He would take his own...
  • Old Man Potomac, He Just Keeps Rollin’ Along
    Some days when we contemplate the divisive and deluded doings in DC, it helps to look away from the grandiose and revered buildings that have hosted our government since it was moved there from Philadelphia in 1800 and to contemplate the broad, green, and ever forward pushing Potomac, the generally placid river that just keeps rollin' through it.

    Here we see a boater speeding along, hoping the wind in his ears will clear his brain of brow-knitting complexities, while anoth...
  • Relaxed And Happy American Located; Agrees To Brief Interview
    Despite the troubling news that assails us each day and seems bent on convincing us we should all be the tense and unhappy recipients of the worldwide outrages it forwards, we remained confident that maybe somewhere there is still at least one American who is relaxed and happy.

    Intent on locating the indomitable soul, should there still be one, we spread out across the nation and, just as we were ready to drop our shoulders and sigh with hopelessness, we saw a man walking ...
  • U. S. May Join Opec. 1/4 Of World's Untapped Oil Reserves In Artic.
    Recent exploration of sediment deep beneath the Artic Ocean has led geologists to estimate that approximately 1/4 of the world’s untapped oil and gas reserves are located there. After evaluating the impact of the news, the U. S. may seek membership in OPEC.

    President Bush, smiling and joking with King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia at a press briefing in Nome, Alaska, stated, “Since it looks like we’ve got about as much oil off Alaska as our good friend the King here has in the ...
  • Gossip: What People Say About It
    We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it. We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it.

    What might one say under the influence of a confessional potion when asked, “Why do you always talk about other people?”

    We imagined the reply, “Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself.”

    Before we turn to the ...